Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
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Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is