Friday night party time 🥳
You Might Also Like
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite