Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
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Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
He is just living hist best little life 😊
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all