Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
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ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Clients after you give them your rates
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Lucky old June.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet