A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
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My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
pep talk
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.