My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
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If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.