[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
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People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.