Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
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My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
I have many caverns
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Does your wife know you’re single?
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon