Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
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*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.