Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
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ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter