detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
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TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
When ur friends with white people
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Poetry is my passion
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.