“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
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“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Mountain Goat : )
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?