In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
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me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Care for your back
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Strange
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”