Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
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I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Noah was an idiot.