Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
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Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy