I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
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if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Lmfao
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems