wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
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*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
Brb my Sims are getting married
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.