*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
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People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
can’t talk my ride’s here
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.