To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
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I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.