Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
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I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Meat Cute
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.