Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
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Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Do not levitate over flowers
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Thrilling chase underway
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.