GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
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You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.