Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
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started wrapping my pills in cheese
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
adding to the discourse
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety