My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
You Might Also Like
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same