(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
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well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
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Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship