umm…
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[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.