{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
You Might Also Like
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Sticker placement is key.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.