My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
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😂 amazing answer
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Just a friendly reminder!
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.