I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
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Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Thrilling chase underway
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
the three genders
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP