A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
You Might Also Like
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Cow it started Cow it’s going
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid