girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
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My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir