wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
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My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
I just love that new Pope smell.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.