“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
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Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”