Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
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It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?