SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
You Might Also Like
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Most fashion shows these days…
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Basketball
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.