Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
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just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.