Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
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bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Based Erika
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it