Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
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CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Bloody internet 😳
A dad and his duck
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Egyptians don’t walk like that.