Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
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Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Scream sneezers need love too.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…