like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
You Might Also Like
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Meanwhile in Portland…
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.