Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
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A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.