them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
You Might Also Like
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
You’ll be OK
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.