I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
You Might Also Like
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money