I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
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My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Doctors texting each other.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…