[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
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Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
If snakes were wide
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Me My dog
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
I need to update my racial profile.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.