me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
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Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
multitasking lunch
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
*me flirting
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.