After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
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“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
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