Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
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Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.