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My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Perfection.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.