As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
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A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.